Harry Potter and the Secret Diary
by UnknownMurder
Summary: Short one-shot. Comedy. Rated E-T. Contains crude words. *** Summery *** Harry Potter, now in his late 30's, is going through a crisis. THE crisis. He finds himself take a chance to change his life a little to come face-to-face with a new dilemma regarding an old enemy.
1. Chapter 1: Crisis Averted

Chapter 1: Crisis Averted

/AN/  
I do not own the wonderful world of Harry Potter or the Characters.  
This Fan-fiction takes place many years after the Defeat of Voldemort, and some characters have their settings changed.  
It is meant to be s "silly" or "ridiculous", perhaps even terrible as this is my first ever FANFIC.  
I hope you enjoy!

* * *

For a couple of years now, Harry Potter has had the offer to work at Hogwarts to teach DADA that he was declining. He believed he was still fit and had a duty to protect the wizarding world from the left-over DE or extremists by being an Auror. However, nearing his 40's, he is starting to feel something is missing. Yes, Harry Potter was suffering from Mid-Life-Crisis. "Maybe, taking that job is the change I need..." He mumbled to himself. But his wife heard it loud enough. She WAS the daughter of Molly Weasely after all. "What about your job as an Auror? Are you just going to quit!? How are we going to-" "No, no- Ginny, I'm talking about the job as the professor as DADA at Hogwarts." "... why is this the first time I'm hearing this?" "... I thought I did?" Harry smiles sheepishly. Ginny simply sighed and went back to whatever she was doing. Probably the laundry, Harry thought for a short second before thinking back to the new job he may have sooner than he thought.

The very next day Harry owled the headmistress saying he is interested in the job if the offer still stands. Within an hour, he gets a reply stating he will start work in Mid-June, the same day the school year ends, to attend a staff meeting regarding the next school year. "...well, I guess I have a new job."

* * *

New chapters will be added every Monday and Wednesday for this.


	2. Chapter 2: What do we have here?

Chapter 2: What Do We Have Here?

/AN/  
I do not own Harry Potter, etc. etc. etc...

* * *

The day Harry started his new job came too quickly. He attended the staff meeting, which was as dull as he expected. He was in his new quarters, when there was a knock at the door. "Professor-" "Good afternoon, Harry. And please, call me Minerva. We are to be working together now. I came by to give you this. A list of books for you to look through for the coming school year- some maybe in the restricted section for you to use as references for your classes." "Thank you, Pro- Minerva." She smiles and nods. "I will see you at supper time?" "Of course." She left Harry to ponder what to do next. "I have my quarters set, perhaps I should get an early start on checking these books out?" Harry was a man of action, so with that, he decided to go to the library.

He walked straight to the restricted section. The librarian wasn't at her post and he figured being a professor now, she shouldn't mind... right? "What to look for first? 'Magic and How to use them for Pranks' must be Fred and George. 'Magic and How to use them for Pranks - Anti-prank, the Teacher's guide' ...yup, has to be them. 'Magic is your Friend, your only friend'... 'Defence Against the DORK arts'...'DADA- teacher's guide.' ...I should get this, it could give me a few pointers." As he looks around and reads the spine of the books, he gets a strange, familiar feeling. He walks to the area he feels is calling to him, to spot nothing out of the ordinary, well that he could tell in the restricted section. There were some odd books in here. Maybe I was just imagining things? Just when he was about to leave the area, a book falls from the shelf. He turns around to pickup the book to see where it belongs, a gust of wind- from nowhere, but not odd. It's magic!- opens the book to reveal a locket within the book. He picks up the locket to inspect it to find it has the markings of Slytherin house. "hmm...?" Another familiar feeling sends him walking further into the restricted section. He walks for a couple of minutes, to find himself in front of what seems to be Slytherin's private collection. ... "Slytherin or not, 'Mione would love to see this." The locket floats out of his hand and hovers in front of a certain book. He walks to the locket, just for it to disappear. ... "How- where did it go?" He decided it's magic, as all things odd ever happening in the wizarding world, and checks the book that the locket has pointed him to. "The Diary of Tommy...?" He reads the title out loud and decided to read a few pages. Perhaps it's like the Diary of Anne Frank, wizard version? He opens the first page of the book and couldn't put it down until he was finished reading it...


	3. Chapter 3: Entry 1

Chapter 3: Entry 1

/AN/  
I do not own the wonderful world of Harry Potter or the Characters.  
This Fan-fiction takes place many years after the Defeat of Voldemort, and some characters have their settings changed.  
It is meant to be s "silly" or "ridiculous", perhaps even terrible as this is my first ever FANFIC.  
I hope you enjoy!

* * *

This is the Diary of Tom "Tommy" Marvolo Riddle Jr.

"No..." Harry thought as he kept reading. It didn't feel like the Horcruxes he's seen before. It felt... almost magicless?  
However, he wanted to know if it was the same "Tom Riddle" he knew, or if it was a different one. Oh, boy! Was he going to learn things he wished he hadn't...

Dear Diary, My name is Tommy. I'm 10 years old. Almost 11. A Strange man with a white beard, wearing a shiny purple robe with a matching hat came to me today. He told me I'm a wizard, like he was! First, I thought he was crazy, or a fake like the ones that come to this orphanage on Christmas to do silly magic tricks, but he took out his wand -I think it was his wand- and did a few 'spells' and told me it was all real. And he gave me a diary for an early birthday present, and told me he was going to take me shopping to a place called Diagon Alley for school supplies. Some of the adults here seem to know him well, calling him by his first name -think it was Albert?- and asked how the school was. Maybe he isn't a bad man?


	4. Chapter 4: Entry 2

Chapter 4: Entry 2

/AN/  
I do not own the wonderful world of Harry Potter or the Characters.  
This Fan-fiction takes place many years after the Defeat of Voldemort, and some characters have their settings changed.  
It is meant to be s "silly" or "ridiculous", perhaps even terrible as this is my first ever FANFIC.  
I hope you enjoy!

* * *

 _Today, I went shopping with Mr. Dumbledore -that's the Wizard's name. We went to a bank first. There were many tiny people there. Mr. Dumbledore told me they were called Goblins. We rode a mine cart. That was fun! Then we saw a dragon, and took some money out. We went to buy me a wand, a couple of school robes, a cauldron, some books... and a whole lot of things for school. If what I was seeing at Diagon Alley is anything like what my new school is going to be like, I'm going to like this new school! We went to the pet shop to get me an owl. Wizards and witches use owls for letters, not a postman or post-office. I think it's silly, and told Mr. Dumbledore that. He just smiles and said it was magic. I saw a lot of really fluffy and cute animals! I just wanted to hold them... they seemed really soft! But Mr. Dumbledore said I should get something that I can talk with. I didn't understand what he meant at first, but he remembered I could talk to snakes from the talk we had yesterday, and pointed me to a pretty snake. I talked to her a little, and she said she wanted to come home with me! I'm so happy I finally have a friend! I'm going to name her Nagini._

Harry read on to find out this Tommy was the same Tom Riddle he knew, but wasn't the same Tom Riddle he saw from Dumbledore's memory... maybe Dumbledore remembered differently?  
He decides to read on some more...


	5. Chapter 5: Entry 1090

Chapter 5: Entry 1090

/AN/  
I do not own the wonderful world of Harry Potter or the Characters.  
This Fan-fiction takes place many years after the Defeat of Voldemort, and some characters have their settings changed.  
It is meant to be s "silly" or "ridiculous", perhaps even terrible as this is my first ever FANFIC.  
I hope you enjoy!

* * *

 _Dear Diary, Yup, still me. 14 now... and with the biggest crush on .. "her" still. She just won't look my way! I don't know what to do... Nagini tells me I should just talk to her because talking to a snake isn't going to do anything. And that I should stop wearing pale blue bunny 'jammies... what's wrong with my pajamas? They are comfy and ad-dorabllllleee! *Squee!*_  
 _I found a new spell in the books that's not talked about in class today. "Anagramos" You point it at a word you want to rearrange and it'll do just that! I might try this out after I practice the wand movement._  
 _Well, since we're on this subject, maybe I should write some of my secrets to you? Today, I'll write about my hobbies._  
 _*Singing, especially songs from the Musical, "Sounds of magic"_  
 _*Dancing, I love dancing!_  
 _*Poetry *Reading, especially fantasy and romance. *drawing *caring for animals and plants *Especially flowers, I LOVE flowers!_  
 _*Pressing flowers *Egg Carving, it's so much fun! And delicate, too._  
 _*Collecting four-leaf clovers *Collecting teabag cover_

 _(The list went on for 2 more pages...)_

 _... And that's all the things I love and are my hobbies!_  
 _Ugh... I wish I could find out what "she" likes, you know?_  
 _She's so pretty, and cute... and smells like butter. I like butter._  
 _Maybe I can join the School Paper's to see if there's anyway I can find out more about her..._

Harry blinked and wondered why Riddle sounded like a stalker for a moment and turned the page...

* * *

/AN/

Thanks for reading thus far! I know, it seems to have jumped a few year, but I meant to. Be warned, things about to get even sillier...

And thanks for the reviews! Good or bad are always welcomed.

TO:LittleGrayOwl Thanks! I just thought It'd be fun if Ol'Voldie got a different POV. I may go into more depth of why he became this way, and or non-evil Voldiepants when I get a chance!


	6. Chapter 6: Entry 1120

Chapter 6: Entry 1120 /AN/  
I do not own the wonderful world of Harry Potter or the Characters.  
This Fan-fiction takes place many years after the Defeat of Voldemort, and some characters have their settings changed.  
It is meant to be s "silly" or "ridiculous", perhaps even terrible as this is my first ever FANFIC.  
I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Dear Diary, me again...  
I almost got to talk to "her", but I froze again! Ugh... this teenage stuff is annoying! Maybe when I'm an adult, I won't be as awkward. Today, I'm going to try "Anagramos."  
Hmm... What to use it on first... I know, My name!  
Tom Marvolo Riddle * Anagramos! *  
(Below are the results, Diary)  
Mermaid Drool Volt -uh, no thanks! Drool? Ew. Mermaid, maybe.  
Armored Doll Vomit -Vomit? Ugh!  
Dammit Drool Lover -What is with the drool!?  
Immoral Doodler TV -I don't know what TV is. But I kinda like the immoral doodler part! Lord Earldom Vomit - again with the Vomit!?  
Mild Doormat Lover - I don't like doormats that much. Only the fabu-ones.  
Immortal Odd Lover - Maybe I am a little different from the "average" wizard... I am Mr. Doodle Volt - I can use this for the school paper! No one will know it's me!  
I am Older Dorm Volt - This, I don't get.  
I am Doll Dorm Voter - Whatever a doll dorm is, I'm a voter?  
I am Dove Dorm Troll - Dove Dorm sounds so cute! I don't want to be a troll though!  
I am Lord Mold Voter -A Lord that votes Mold... that is just nasty.  
I am Mr. Drooled Volt -Again with the drool...  
I am Odd Mover Troll -Not another troll!  
I am Mr. Old Dot Lover - I don't like Old Dots. I am Lord Voldemort -I don't really understand this one... it's kinda scary! I HATE Scary!

Okay, I've made myself scared with this "Voldemort" business. TTYL Diary.

* * *

/AN/

This is was fun to lookup. I had a friend on HEX help me out with this anageam yo find a funny one!

Thanks for the reviews, again!

LittleGrayOwl - To be completely honest, I couldn't really come up with "two pages of hobbies" on my own, but if Tommy was happy-go-lucky and was random, like many "normal/average" teens are, it would probably be easy, right?


	7. Chapter 7: Entry 1600

Chapter 7: Entry 1600

/AN/  
I do not own the wonderful world of Harry Potter or the Characters.  
This Fan-fiction takes place many years after the Defeat of Voldemort, and some characters have their settings changed.  
It is meant to be s "silly" or "ridiculous", perhaps even terrible as this is my first ever FANFIC.  
I hope you enjoy!

* * *

 _Dear Diary!_  
 _I did it! I got to talk to her today! Well, anonymously through the school papers as Mr. Doodle Volts. I wrote an article about wanting to know what the popular things were in each grade, and got many replies. I'm just gonna use magic do that while I read hers._

 _Here are some things I got from her..._  
 _Her favorite color; Pink mine, too!_  
 _Favorite animal; Fluffy cute ones, especially bunnies. -Mine, too!_  
 _Favorite books; Fantasy and romance same, again!  
Favorite TV Show; Music and dance shows I don't know what a TV is, but if it's music and dance, I'll love it too!_  
 _Favorite Class; Herbology and Deviation. I like Herbology, but Deviation? Well, if she likes it, I'll try to understand it...  
Favorite..._

(The list goes on for 2 more pages about his undying love about "her" and how he loves her more knowing they have a lot in common...)

 _This is great! I know more about her now! I can talk to her knowing what to talk about without making myself sound dull not having something she's interested in. Wish me luck, Diary!_


	8. Chapter 8: Entry 2194

Chapter 8: Entry 2194

/AN/  
I do not own the wonderful world of Harry Potter or the Characters.  
This Fan-fiction takes place many years after the Defeat of Voldemort, and some characters have their settings changed.  
It is meant to be s "silly" or "ridiculous", perhaps even terrible as this is my first ever FANFIC.  
I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Dear Diary, Me again!  
So, today, a few of my "friends" and I made a club. We're thinking of a name still, but they want something dark! They wanted names like, Death this, Death that... Ugh, death is so depressing! But I can't say things like mermaids, unicorns, or bunnies. They can't know my true feelings... They'll hate me and not want to be friends any more.  
So... here are a list of names I think will go with what they want. Maybe I'll ask which they like best?  
Serpenites us being all Slytherin and all?  
Death Serpents if they want to use death. Drastic Death Because I enjoy Drama? Death Voice I don't like it, it sounds like a ghost. I hate ghosts.  
Death Bunnies I like it, because it's bunnies. But I can't tell them this one...  
Pink Fluffy Bunny lovers! Just a fantasy... Death Bringer if they really wanted something evil?  
Dark Marks whatever that is...  
I know! How about Death Farters! (teeheehee!) with the Dark mark Being a skull and skunk! Bad joke?

And for the signs, they want skulls and snakes... maybe something like this? **a drawing of the Dark Mark**  
I'll get back to this another time, perhaps?

* * *

/AN/

Thanks for reading this far! and for the reviews!

LittleGrayOwl - Thanks for your reviews! They make me happy to know someone shares my odd sense of humor. Regarding who "she" is, just wait a little longer. As for his pen-name; Mr. Doodle Volt, it was one of the many anagram results.


	9. Chapter 9: Last Entry

Chapter 9: Last Entry

/AN/  
I do not own the wonderful world of Harry Potter or the Characters.  
This Fan-fiction takes place many years after the Defeat of Voldemort, and some characters have their settings changed.  
It is meant to be s "silly" or "ridiculous", perhaps even terrible as this is my first ever FANFIC.  
I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Dear Diary...  
Today was a terrible day!  
I find out about my "parents" and why they "left me" .  
That demented "wise" ol' Dumbledore has lied to me. About everything! I find out, that through my mother, I am the heir of Slytherin, the last one. I found the chamber, saw the amazing basilisk, and Slytherin's private library.

UGH! I HATE MUGGLES!  
I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend because we had so much in common! She said she didn't really know me and that I was "creeping her out!" I thought we were meant to be! UGH!  
I hate her, I HATE Muggles, I HATE EVERYTHING! She thinks, just because she's pretty, smart and loved by everyone, and muggle born, she can act like she owns the place, she's wrong!... Ugh!

I'm going to make a Horcrux.  
I read about it in a book. It'll split my soul into it. I will create a new me. A new history of me in it.  
It'll be a different Diary from this one, I will have to RID of this one once I have the other- true diary made. I'll find a place for it later. Perhaps in Slytherin's - MY Library. I will let the Basilisk free in the school, to rid the filthy- disgusting, vile MUGGLES. Their blood is like mud in our wizarding world.

I WILL- I AM going to show them who and what true evil is. I am going to show the world! I am going to show them with my followers of "DEATH EATERS".

I Will not have any connections with this- This muggle man who left and killed my mother! I will no longer be known as "Tom Marvolo Riddle" I am... I "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT".

* * *

/AN/  
Since this and the next chapter is the last two for this, the next chapter is uploaded already.

LittleGrayOwl - Tadaa! So, this is "her". I didn't think "She" really needed a name or an identity, just a background enough to why Voldemort hated muggles with so much passion.


	10. Chapter 10: Fini

Chapter 10: "I See nothing!" "I Know nothing!" -Sgt. Shultz, Hogans Heros. (TV)

/AN/  
I do not own the wonderful world of Harry Potter or the Characters.  
This Fan-fiction takes place many years after the Defeat of Voldemort, and some characters have their settings changed.  
It is meant to be "silly" or "ridiculous", perhaps even terrible as this is my first ever FANFIC.  
I hope you enjoy!

* * *

With that last entry, the diary ends...  
Yes, the last was how he knew of Voldemort- Riddle, mean, evil, foul... But he never knew this side of him... a "Tommy" Riddle... who loved Pink, bunnies, his uhh... pale blue bunny jammies, or his love for egg carvings. This Riddle was... a little fairy- not to make fun of them or anything!  
He pondered about what he had read for several minutes before he slowly put the book back, backing away, turned around, walked away and never looking back.  
He decided he was going to never talk about this finding -ever- and pretend it never happened. Perhaps obliviate this -unwanted- information regarding "Tommy" Riddle, forever.

Fini.

* * *

/AN/  
This is the end of this silly one-shot.  
I hope you enjoyed it!

I'm currently thinking of writing a light-Riddle/dark-or-possessed Dumbledore/gray?-Harry for my next story. Drama, little humor. - Okay, maybe a little chuckle here and there. Another idea is"Through the Veil -individual series"-Harry's story, Luna's Story, and Hermione's story. Each stand on their own and don't cross. Each Character will -for their own reasons- go through the veil to find on the other side a diffetent life or had gone back in time. How about "Lemendrops?" -It was just going to be another day at Hogwarts for the Headmaster. Wake up, do his morning routine, breakfast, paperwork, lunch... paperwork... However, things are about to get out of hands when the Golden-Trio go missing, Hogwarts' (not-so)friendly poltergeist gets waaaay out of hands, Ms. Lovegood's request regarding some mythical creature infestation within the school, the House Elf Strike due to SPEW, and more paper work regarding the position of the teacher for DADA AND the restricted section of the Lubrary, the Weasley Twins and their new."invention"... and his lemondrops! Complete nonsense humor, perhaps inspired by Monty Python.

If you have any ideas or request, I'd be happy to oblige! -Author out.


End file.
